This isn’t a pattern so much as a description of an experimental project that took ages and turned out pretty much how I had hoped. Use at your own risk (and I can’t promise any help if yours doesn’t turn out the way mine did).

Finished measurements: 170x40cm

Things I used for this project:

6 skeins Malabrigo Lace (100% merino wool, 450 m / 50g skein), shown in Lettuce
5mm 24” (longer will also work) circular needle (project is worked flat but a circular needle is needed to hold all the stitches)
100 (or so) beer pong balls
Scrap mercerized cotton
Top-loading washing machine
Long-handled silicone spoon