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Elizabeth: The Steam Age

This pattern is available for download for $5.00.

Okay, picture this:

You’re Cate Blanchett as Queen Elizabeth in the thinly-plotted but gorgeously costumed bodice-ripper Elizabeth: the Golden Age. You’re pining for the good old days before your sweetie, Sir Walter, started canoodling with your best girl maidservant. A mysterious visitor from the East brings you a mechanical oddity, a golden scarab beetle that moves on wind-up springs.

The scarab turns out to be a nanotechnology robot time machine, and the next thing you know, you’ve been zapped into a dystopian city in the far future. This doesn’t make much sense, but the director was also the costume designer, so plot considerations are secondary. Now everybody wears aviator goggles or monocles, and they tap emails into their wooden-cased iphones with froofy feather quills. It’s a relief that nobody’s wearing corsets any more, but it turns out your neckruffle is all the rage.