Day Whatever: Sept. 25, 2017

OMG. OMG. O….M….G….

I just had to rip out nine rows of this because….I decreased too many times. Why, oh why, did I think I could knit this monster when I’m not at peak performance?

October 1st, 20something. Who knows what day it is. Math.

I feel like I haven’t ever knitted anything besides this sweater. I finally finished the back only to have to repeat it for the front pieces. I’m regarding the approaching sleeve island with a pit of dread in my stomach.

Send help.

Day time, night time. Who knows. October. Year 2083

I’ve made it halfway through the chart on the left front piece. Every time I feel elated at how much faster the front piece is going, I remember that I have to do ANOTHER FUCKING FRONT PIECE. Looming in the back of my mind are those sleeves. I’m sorely tempted to call it the Dude’s Vest.

Daily, I am asked how much longer until the sweater is finished. He seems to think I will give it to him before Christmas and has told other people about the sweater and how he will get it before Christmas.

He’s gonna get it all right.

I WILL SAY that the weaving in of floats whilst knitting is creating a MUCH MORE pleasing wrong side to this…thing. So when I am finally able to knit something else (yeah, like that’s gonna happen) and if I EVER decide to knit fair isle again (yeah, like that’s gonna happen) I will have mastered it.

Who am I kidding. It’s mastered me.

No

Getting ready to do the chart on the right front piece. I want to be cautiously optimistic about this but…sleeves. Contemplating picking up and knitting them in the round. After I connect the front pieces to the back, and the shin bone to the knee bone.

I want to cast on something else SO BAD.

Blah blah blah

Husbeast: What are you doing with that big ass needle?

Me: Winding

H: I’ve seen you wind. That ain’t it. What are you winding?

M: Burial shroud.

H: Haha. (Turns on the Fucking Big Dork Ass Lebowski)

M: Again?

H: (Points out snag in original sweater worn by Jeff “I Hate Your Stupid Clothes” Bridges) Are you going to put a snag in it?

M: I’ll put a snag in you.

H: Will you be my special lady friend?

I’m deep in the Seventh layer of Knitting Hell, y’all.

Progress? There is no progress. Only suffering. It’s a giant, askew, Dudelike vest.

Sleeves.

sleeves

Not A Knitting Day

I’m on strike. I refuse to knit a single stitch until he stops sending me Dude pictures.

Tonight he asked where his sleeves are.

Googles straight jacket patterns

Day One Million, Eight Hundred Thousand, and Twelve

I started sleeve island last night. Already, I’m dehydrated, hallucinating, and wearing nothing but grass clothing I’ve knitted out of leaves. The sun (non-existent) is hiding behind thunderclouds and whipping the sea into a freezing spray, like a cold shower in Antarctica.

The natives have accepted me as one of their own, after an initiation ritual that does not bear repeating. It may have involved k2tog, repeat from. I can’t recall…the lack of nourishment has addled my brain but has not affected my waistline.

I hope to knit secret code into the pattern of these sleeves so that one day, those who knit it after me will know to avoid knitting this sweater altogether. The code will include a hat pattern. Which begs the thought: what will I do to him if he suddenly decides he needs a matching hat?

Day: So What? I’m Dying Here

Omfg mfsb jhrc!!!

Day: Hm. Let me see….37, I think. October 16, 2017

I was nearly defeated by sleeve one. You must:

• Keep track of rows
• Follow charts
• Increase every 4 rows then every 6 until time immemorial

I had to frog halfway through my first attempt because I could not walk, chew gum, and recite the Magna Carta at once.

Oh but I’m doing it now, aren’t I. Yes. Yes I am. I think. GODDAMMIT I hate this thing.

He might only get one sleeve. I’m just going to chop off his other arm. I’ll even let him choose.

It was a Thursday. Rain beat upon the window glass like mad horses bolting for freedom.

Fun fact: zippers with ring pulls can cost upward of $30?

When confronted with this fact, the husbeast’s response of, “What, am I not worth it?” was met with stony resistance. OF COURSE but that’s why I’m knitting this damn thing in the first place. Can I catch a fucking break on this zipper issue please?!

Time is a man-made construct

I. Attached. The. Sleeve. Inside. Out.

Just Another Day

Finally managed to knit both sleeves and put Sleeve Island behind me. A minor attachment setback overcome. I can see…something…bright. I think, could it be? A light at the end of the tunnel?

Day: Finished. That’s all that matters.

I finished it! I don’t know what to do with my life now.

It’s in my room, blocking. I shut the door to give it some privacy. I must say…it really brings the room together.

Brother in law says, “Didn’t you know? We wanted matching Dude sweaters.”

I laughed and laughed.

Afterthoughts

Oh, to be helpful, here are some notes:

1. See above for weaving floats while working stranded. For serious.

B. I knit with exactly the needles and yarn for size XL. Gave zero fucks about gauge. Who has time for that? Turned out large but not excessively. Sleeves perfect length for husbeasts’s knuckle draggers.

III. Used mattress stitch for all seaming and blocked after the fact like a fucking amateur. Block first, seam after.

&. The shawl collar says to w&t to 28 st. That turned out to be super pointy so I only did it to the first 28 on either side, leaving all the st for the back piece flat. Probably the actual directions and I read it wrong but…just in case.

¤. Husbeast said he won’t zip or button it so I said hallelujah and didn’t bother with a zipper. The only piece of luck I’ve had during this debacle I mean experience.

I hope my notes help! Thanks to everyone who has commented. While it was hard to knit (just shy of impossible in my opinion), it was worth it. Trust me.

After Afterthoughts

This is a great pattern. Honestly. KUDOS to the designer. It’s a fucking masterpiece. All frustrations were my own. I just didn’t drink enough White Russians to dull the pain.